The Babysitter

Have you ever left your kids with your husband? Trust me...DON'T! Anytime something terrible has happened to our children, it has been when they were in the care of their father. Now, he's not some horrible child abuser. He's just a typical dad. Preoccupied, watching the news, sports, or some other crap, and would rather be doing a hundred other things than taking care of junior.

Take for instance, the time hubby and I were vacationing in South Carolina. He had our 3 year old and I had our 15 month old. Dear old dad was showing junior how to fly a kite. Except junior never got a turn and was bored. So she asked daddy if she could go find mom. "Sure, honey -- go ahead", all the while never missing a beat as he stood mesmerized, flying the kite. So, little SuSu (as we called her) wandered off. Imagine -- 3 years old and wandering the beaches of South Carolina. Some time later, Dad meanders by. "Where's SuSu?"

"What do you mean, where's SuSu?"

"She came to find you."

Now you have to wonder, WHAT was this man thinking??? There are about 800 mommies lined up under beach umbrellas. To a 3 year old, I'm pretty certain we all look alike. Panic set in.

"How long ago did she leave you?" I inquired.

"About 5 minutes ago." We immediately took action. He called hotel security and I flagged down the beach patrol.

The beach patrol took basic information such as what she looked like and what she was wearing, all the while staring at me as if I were the worst mother in the world. You had to know they were thinking, "What moron would let a 3 year old wander the beach by themselves?" Funny, my thoughts exactly!! Within 30 minutes they had located her about 2 miles down the beach. Do you know, to this day, at the age of 23, she still remembers that ordeal?! She still describes it as, " I just kept looking for you but couldn't find you."

Hmmm, another example of my husband's babysitting skills (or shall I say, lack of)... shortly after the birth of our third child, he was watching our 4 year old, while I took a short nap. She comes into our bedroom to me and says, "Mommy, I swallowed a penny". I called her father in.

"This kid says she swallowed a penny."

"She says she did but there's no way it's there". He jokingly picked her up, flipped her upside down and pretended to get a penny out of her mouth. "See, it's gone." Yeah right, that's gonna work. Five minutes later she says, "I still feel the penny in my throat."

Well, she was at the age where things don't get caught in kids throats, and my husband was convinced that she just had the "sensation" of it still being there. I wasn't convinced. Somehow, mothers know these things. "I'm calling the dr.", I declare. He is annoyed, saying there's no way there's a penny there, that it would just pass on through. I ignore him and call the dr. He's already proved his unworthyness as a sitter by her having swallowed the penny in the first place. So, I call the doctor.

"Dr., is there anyplace that a penny could get stuck in a 4 year old's throat?" Amazingly enough his response is, "yes, in fact there is". I describe the dilemma and within the hour we are at Children's Hospital. X-rays confirmed what I already knew. Damn, I'm good!! The good news is, our daughter recovered nicely. The bad news is, my husband suffered...horribly, I'm afraid.

I finally let him off the hook until our son, who by then was 2, was watching TV with dad. Lo and behold, another accident. This time a torn earlobe from hitting the corner of the TV set. I insisted on a plastic surgeon at the ER -- no sense having a son that would look like Spock when he grew up. I'm pleased to say, he too, fully recovered. By the time the fourth child came along, I was not taking any chances. No more babysitting duty for dad. Fortunately, none of them were scarred permanently, However, I think I can safely say this. I don't think "Grandpa" is going to get any chances to babysit anytime soon!!